Tuesday, August 11, 2009

I Read Twilight and Hate It: Chapter 9

    This chapter consists of nothing but Bella and Edward talking as he drives her home.  And the things they talk about consist of nothing except answers to the little questions that audience may have been wondering about until now.  Rather than have you suffer through the narration, I'm just going to provide you with a list of points that are established:

  • Edward knew where Bella was before the rapists cornered her because he "followed her scent,1" establishing another power for him: super-scent.  This, of course, makes it even harder to believe that he doesn't notice that Bella gets all hot and bothered whenever he's near her. 
  • Edward is the only one who can read people's minds (because he's special) and Bella's is the only mind he can't read (because she's double-special).  He hears the thoughts of everyone around him, as though they were just talking instead of thinking.  He thinks that he can't hear Bella's mind, because it works different than other people's.  Bella is "bothered,1" by this (probably insincerely, because every high school student loves to be told there's something non-obtrusive to their live that makes them special and different from everyone else).
  • Edward drives 40 over the speed limit everywhere because he can; he has super vampire reflexes, and can also mind-read whether or not there are cops nearby.  After that, it was Bella's turn to give some exposition:
  • Bella tells Edward where she got the notion that he's a Vampire, thus fulfilling my prediction that she would break her promise to Jacob not to tell anyone, at the drop of a hat (or, in this case, the drop of Edward's "low," "velvety" voice).  She tells him everything, even so far as to mentioning Jacob Black by name, and saying that Jacob had mentioned Edward's family specifically. 
  • Bella has decided to herself that it "doesn't matter1" whether or not Edward is a vampire (because she's got the hots for him anyways). Edward, being a more reasonable character than I usually give him credit for, freaks out at how stupid this is.  After that, it's his turn to start filling in some holes again:   
  • Edward says he's 17, but has been so for "a while.1" (ie; he is a pedophile).
  • He also let's Bella know that all the vampire legends about burning in the sun, being nocturnal, and sleeping in coffins are completely false.  That's right folks, Bram Stoker, Sheridan Le Fanu, and folklore are all full of shit.  Meyer is the only real source on vampires (according to Meyer).  Edward does, however, allude to something happening in bright sunlight (but not your piddly little Washington sunlight) that would make it obvious to those around him that he's a vampire.  Also, with regards to the sleeping-in-coffins thing, he says he doesn't sleep at all (which leads me to believe that he has a couple of level 60 characters of Word of Warcraft). 
  • He also says that he does drink blood, but he does the family-friendly cop-out of only drinking animal blood, never humans, because "I don't want to be a monster.1"  This doesn't really explain why he actually goes out and hunts for blood, rather than just getting it from a butcher shop.
  • Bella considers herself coordinated enough to smash a rapists hose bone into his brain with the palm of her hand, but not coordinated enough to run four blocks without face-planting (thus, her decision to try to fight off several attackers and Port Angeles rather than run).

     After that, there's really nothing new, just some old ideas are hashed over again. For example, Edward reminds Bella that her life could be threatened just from being near him.  She says (again) that she doesn't care, and he points out how stupid that is, which makes Bella cry.  When he asks if she's crying, she lies and says she's not, but "traitor tears were there, betraying me.1"  They wouldn't really be "traitor" tears if they didn't betray you, now, would they?
    So, they arrive at Bella's house, and as she's getting out of the car, she makes him promise that he's going to be at school the next day.  Normally, if a friend's been missing a lot of school, you might make them promise to go out of worry for their slipping grades.  In Bella's case, though, it's completely selfish; she just makes him promise so that she can see him and swoon some more.  In return, he makes her promise not to go into the woods alone, because he's "not always the most dangerous thing out there.1"  I cracked up about how he says "not always the most dangerous."  It's like he wanted to reassure her: "but don't be fooled, I am really dangerous.  Dangerous and mysterious.  I might kill you at any time... I'm a vampire."  Also, this brings up the question why he would bring it up.   Either he was spying on Bella in chapter 7 when she ran into the woods to pout (which is creepy), or he just brought this up randomly without any indication that she would go into the woods by herself (which is stupid), or it's another matter of "I know, because the author told me."
    In her house, Bella does some lying (and more lying to cover up those lies) about where she's been and how she got home, to her dad.  Then she calls Jess.  Finally, she spends some quality alone time doing what she does best, thinking about Edward.  At the very end of the chapter, she comes to the conclusion that she "was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.1"  So ends chapter ten.  
    Actually, I'm glad that she finally said that, because that means that we the readers now know all the events that lead her to be in (I would say it's lust, but just for the sake of simplicity let's call it) love with him.  A friend of mine who's a fan of Twilight suggested that I could better understand how to get women using the information in this book, so (now that we've seen all of Edward's "game"), I'm proud to present:

How to Get Women: The Edward Cullen Method (by Edward Cullen).

        Part One, First Impressions
    You only get one chance to make a first impression, so make it a good one.  No matter how much you want to date a girl, or have sex with her, or drink her blood for sustenance, never let on when you first meet her.  You should never make it clear that you like a girl; in fact, act like you hate her guts.  Without saying anything to her face, do whatever you can to avoid her, try to switch out of any classes you have with her, and just generally make it seem like you don't even want to look at her.  If you do want to look at her, though, make sure and do it with "piercing, hate-filled eyes."
    Now, the whole hate thing may seem counter-intuitive, right?  You want this girl to like you after-all.  Well, it does help her like you by fulfilling two important needs.  One: it will make you seem mysterious (chicks dig mysterious guys), because you'll be creating a mystery for her as to why you hate her so much.  Two: it'll give her a project (making you not hate you).  No body likes to be hated, so people will try to be extra-nice to people that do seem to hate them.   This does create a system where people are rewarding others for being mean to them, but no one thinks into it that much.
    Now, it's important to make sure you pretend to have the right kind of hatred for your mark.  As mentioned before, you want to have the ostensibly-unfounded kind of hate, but you don't want to have the kind you act on.  That is to say, you don't want to look like your actively seeking out your mark to punish them for whatever reason you hate them.  That's seen as the needy kind of hate.  Rather, you want to act like you're trying to avoid them at all costs, like they're not even worth your time so you're going to give them as little of it as possible.  Remember, don't be a doof; be aloof.
       Part Two, Establishing a Friendship
    If all goes well, then your mark will try to get closer to you, to fix or at least understand why you hate them.  This is good.  It means that they've shown an interest in you, and that you've made them decide in their mind that they want you to like them.  Once they start putting enough effort into it, you can drop the whole hate act.  Don't worry, though, you can always bring it back up without explanation later if you need to.  Instead of replacing it with genuine niceness or affection, just sort of act like you tolerate her, but like ultimately you're doing her a favor every time you talk to her.  And you should definitely not ask her out.  After all, if she knows that you want to date her, she might start questioning whether she wants to date you.
    Now, dominance is very important in getting a girl, especially at this stage.  It's important to let her know that you're a good mate, by ignoring whatever she says and just doing what you want.  Remember: no means yes.  If she asks you not to pick her up, you pick her ass up and carry it.  If she says she doesn't want a ride home, you tell her tough shit and that you will drag her into your car if need be.  If she says she's not hungry, you tell her that she is.  Repeated use of this tactic establishes two things in your relationship: what she wants doesn't matter compared to what you want, and you are always right (because, she always ends up doing what you want, so you must always be right). 
        Part Three, Stalking
    It's not really stalking if you do it out of love, right?  Follow her around everywhere.  Don't get to close, though.  Your purpose for stalking isn't to gather a ton of information, it's to be there and ready to swoop in when a heroic opportunity strikes.  What's a heroic opportunity?  Any time your mark is in danger (or perceived danger), you need to be able to save her like a knight in shining armor. 
    Now, I happen to have a wide range of super vampiric powers (and I usually get a new one every couple chapters or so) so it's easy for me to do things like stop skidding minivans with my face.  However, there's still a wide range of of things that you can do, such as verbally assaulting some guy who's hitting on her, or running rushing into a pack of rapists with your car to drive her away.  If you do that last one, though, make sure you wait until the last minute, so it's clear that she was in danger.  Otherwise, you wont get credit for it.  If she ever asks about you stalking her, deny it if it's believable that you would just happen to be there.  If it's not believable, then fess up, but don't say it was stalking.  Make it her fault and not yours; you're not there because you're obsessed with her, you're there because she needs you.
       Part Four, Staying Mysterious.
    If you start doing good deeds for her, you do possibly run the risk of loosing your mystique.  So, it's important to establish that your dangerous, and could possibly kill her at any moment.  Chicks dig threats.  Although most girls are too smart to fall for it, you could say you're a vampire like me.  It's not like you'll ever have to prove it; if she ever points out that she's seen you walking in broad daylight before, just tell her that "all that stuff about only coming out at night is folklore.  Vampires don't really die if exposed to sunlight, or have fangs, or drink human blood... except, I could drink your blood at any moment.  Because I'm dangerous."  Other options are that you're a murderer (but don't worry, you only murder rapists and child molesters), or that you're an assassin for the CIA (but don't worry, you only kill vile dictators, not innocent people), or that you're a member of the mafia (but don't worry, you're a reformist working within the Mafia to move it away from smuggling drugs into the country in hollowed out bodies of children, and towards things like promoting rock concerts).  The possibilities are literally endless.  Whatever you pick, though, stick with it.  And bring it up whenever you feel you might be being too nice.
        Part Five, appearances
    Confidence and emotional manipulation will only get you so far.  You get the rest of the way with rugged good looks, because (let's face it) girls are just as shallow as you.  Now, ideally you're like me and have a velvet, muted, low, rough, quiet, soft, musical,  velvet, muted voice, as well as messy blond hair, lean, muscular arms, and a charming crooked smile.  Also, tall.  If that doesn't describe you, though, then you can compensate for it by getting a sexy car (also, do some push-ups, fatty).  Now, I'm so damned sexy that I can get away with going around in a Volvo.  Hell, I could probably get away with going around in a pink BigWheel.  If you don't quite live up to my standards, though, you might want to stop my your local Mustang dealership. 
    Now, all this might seem like a lot to take in, but it can really be boiled down to just a few concepts and a simple pneumonic device.  Remember to act:
        Enigmatic around her, and give up as little information as possible
        Dangerous, like you could kill her at any moment
        Willful, as in: your will matters and hers doesn't
        Aloof, trying to avoid her
        Revolted, acting as though you despise her and the very site of her makes you want to kill yourself, and
        Dreamy, like a gorgeous, Aryan model.
    Keep these principles of the Edward method in mind at all times, and you'll have Mary Sues falling in love with you left and right.  The end.

Now, back to the story.  Stay tuned for chapter 10.


1Meyer, Stephanie Twilight. “Chapter 9: Theories” Little, Brown and Co., 2005

No comments:

Post a Comment